Working towards what?

I live in NYC. So naturally it costs a lot to live here. Here’s the thing though. I was born here, raised here, I know a thing or two about what life is really  supposed to be like here. So it irks me, I can’t lie, that I have to work two jobs to pay for my one bedroom apartment.

It irks me that a gallon of milk is more than 4 dollars or that the train costs 2.75 PER TRIP. (depending of course if you are able to use the transfer within the time limit.)

It irks me that I can’t afford to put my daughter in programs that are only once a week for 12 weeks because they cost more than my rent.I wouldn’t have a problem with the cost if they were GOOD programs. Even the mediocre ones cost that much…

So what is my point? Everyone, everywhere are struggling to make things happen. Except that isn’t the case. Elsewhere people do not need to work two jobs because their first job pays their bills if they budget correctly. Did you know that even if I budgeted (which I do) My rent takes all of my money. So now how do I pay the rest of my bills?

According to the government I am wayyyy above the poverty line, Yet I can’t afford to do anything except put a roof over our heads. Which is some thing, but so not enough. So I had to get a second job. A job in which I am essentially doing the same thing at my first job, but getting paid about 8 dollars less to give up my weekends.

My weekends in which I spent time with my five year old daughter and long term boyfriend (He is a topic for a different post) and now I hardly see her. I just lost my mother for gods sake!!! I just want my daughter to know me. How can she do that if I have to work always. I don’t have help not even from aforementioned boyfriend who lives with us and I can’t say that this will continue for very long.

I hate NYC. I hate my HOMETOWN. I hate it because it has become next to impossible for me to actually live here. It has made me so depressed. It has made me wish that I wasn’t me and I LOVE me. So, I’m putting this out to the universe, I need to leave my hometown. I need to leave so than I can live and see my daughter. I hope I can make this happen by this time next year. I can’t do it anymore.

 

 

Stronger Than Who?

The rhetoric in today’s world is that you have to be strong. You have to keep going because in the end it is all up to you. If at first you don’t succeed try again.

Than the anecdotes start. You know the ones. So and so went through something similar. They had a hard life and was able to do it. You have to be strong just like them. Stronger even.

Why? What is our obsession with that word? Not everyone can be stronger. Who am I supposed to be stronger than exactly? What you ask of me is hard enough. I am unable to pull myself out of this darkness that envelopes me. I’ve been trying for 14 years. FOURTEEN f**ing Years. When can I say enough is enough?

When can I say that I am tired. That I want to give up? When can I say that the life that I am leading is going nowhere fast and it isn’t from a lack of effort.

The thing is you can’t. You have to be stronger than that. You have to take life and shove it right back into the light. You have to be stronger than LIFE. God help me if I am wrong but life is one of the biggest downers that I have had the displeasure of being part of.

Yet, it is also one of the most beautiful, awe- inspiring things that I have ever witnessed. I am not always glad that I have to be stronger than it. I don’t always have the energy to possess it the way it needs to be possessed to truly get the best out of it, but it is still worth it.

Worth it to make sure that at the end of this road, you can at least say that you put up a fight and won most of the time.